I tell the diminutive Thai trainer that if she doesn’t let go of my aching leg from her shoulder clasp, my body will split into two and they will have to throw my flesh to the crows. She doesn’t let go, instead, assuring me that my body is in fine fettle and just needs a good long stretch! She is, after all, following instructions from my health and wellness advisor, Pilant Ananchaipatana Auitragoon, who has scheduled a 50-minute traditional Thai massage later at noon. After being ‘malled’ out in Bangkok, I have decided to get ‘massaged’ out in Hua Hin’s top health resort Chiva-Som. It did take a plethora of signature treatments to turn my perpetually clenched muscles into well-kneaded mush but at the end of three days all I wanted to do was rent a room there for a year.

Designed by British architect Jean-Paul Blissett, the 15-year-old secluded retreat is spread out over a cluster of Thai-inspired guest pavilions, soothing water bodies, Buddha statues and tropical gardens from where much of the organic produce finds its way into the spa menus. The open lounges are restful settings for refreshing sips of lemon tea, of which jugs are placed strategically around the resort and most of the western-style guest rooms have clear views of the pool below and the frothing waves of the sea beyond. In keeping with Chiva-Som’s philosophy of healing and nurturing in quietude, mobile phones and laptops are only to be used in the privacy of rooms, photography is actively discouraged and yes, under-16 high-decibel teenagers, completely banned!

Our first night coincides with the visit of Japanese celebrity chef Tanahashi who makes a sweeping culinary statement with a unique Buddhist meal at the resort’s outdoor restaurant, Taste of Siam. The five-course gala dinner hosted by the affable general manager Paul Linder is a vegetarian exploration of sesame tofu with wasabi, pumpkin and tomato soup, roasted aubergine with red miso paste, taro croquette with a corn risotto, topped by Japanese-style dumplings with exotic Thai fruits. The chef, we learn, is also conducting a master class for seven people the next morning. Immediately, seven at our table sign up to discover the intricate flavours of aemono salad, kelp stock, fig jelly and more.

Breakfasts at the green-toned Emerald Room are health-induced, fat-free and sodium controlled. The buffet spread is a colourful mix of fruits, leaves, sprouts, juices and yoghurt. You can order your eggs though and they will appear on your plate, all fluffy or poached with hardly any trace of oil. My cappuccino arrives in foaming splendour and it will be the only one of the day. If I crave another, I pay a penalty! Coffee and booze are considered habitual offenders. Even salt cellars are swept off the tables. My companion thinks people cheat and swig in their rooms while watching movies (and Chiva-Som has a good DVD collection). All this makes for interesting conversation; in fact at dinner, the resort has introduced a ‘talk table’ where guests who want to forge new friendships are encouraged to seat themselves. I encounter a British mother-daughter pair who are on a bonding jaunt just before the girl gets married and a young Swede who turns poetic saying the swishing palm fronds outside his balcony remind him of a woman’s tresses being teased by the summer breeze!

The days at the resort are as hectic or as languid as you want them to be. You can rise at dawn and sleep at sunset or surface from bed at noon. For those whose bodies are in constant acceleration mode, there are aqua aerobics, fitball, tai chi, Hara dancing, metabolic breathing classes and the like. One evening we scramble onto the beach post a power nap and take a power walk on the sands, right up to the enormous Buddha at the end of the weaving shoreline of the Gulf of Siam.

But the real stars of the show at Chiva-Som are the massages. The oriental scalp massage, where magical hands rub a vitamin-enriched balm to release neck, shoulder and scalp tension with a fusion of Eastern and Western massage techniques and the oriental foot ritual that promotes total relaxation with jasmine-infused sea salt and a comforting herbal wrap make me quite lightheaded. I find myself tottering to my room and plonking straight onto my kapok pillow from where I wake in the morning to the gentle scent of lemongrass in the air, the sounds of the sea and sunbeams creating patterns on the polished wood floor. The classic signature massage that increases blood circulation as I inhale lavender essence and the rich milk soak infused with organic honey is a hugely pampering exercise. The deep tissue massage, adapted to individual needs, that increases flexibility and hydrates the skin has many takers and this spa cocoon is Chiva-Som’s great leveller. Bereft of their Pradas and Patek Philippes, ladies – young and old – are on nodding terms as they pad about in similar spa gear from the sauna to the Jacuzzi to sleep-inducing water beds. And everyone carries their complimentary personalised water bottle that can be refilled at the gym or the restaurants.

We leave with regret. Having spent much of our time in a bit of a stupor, unheard of back home, we tick off the things we missed and must keep for another day: yin yoga with Josephine, hand and foot waker with Thanapol and fascial dance with Supanika. But we did follow Chiva-Som’s sweet diktat : ‘Gift yourself this retreat.’

CHIVA-SOM SPECIAL

Roasted Rosemary Chicken with Orange Sauce
For the orange sauce
Orange juice 80ml; pinch salt; pinch black pepper; star anise 2; cinnamon sticks 2. In a saucepan, mix all ingredients over medium heat and bring to a boil. Simmer for five minutes or until reduced to half. Strain to remove star anise and cinnamon and allow sauce to cool.

For the chicken
Chicken breast 80g; orange juice 50 g; pinch salt; pinch black pepper; rosemary 5g; sliced green bell pepper 20g; sliced yellow bell pepper 20g; finely sliced leek and red chilli to garnish. Marinate chicken breast with orange juice, rosemary, salt and black pepper for 30 minutes. Place chicken in a shallow baking tray and bake at 180 C for ten minutes. Remove chicken from tray and slice. Set aside. Heat a non stick pan, pan-fry the bell peppers on each side until medium cooked and place them in the centre of a serving dish. Arrange chicken on top, pour sauce over, garnish with leek and chilli. Serves one. Kilocalories: 112. Total fat: 5.3g.

FAR AND AWAY

Getting there: By road, about two and a half hours from Bangkok to Chiva-Som by the resort’s limo. By private plane, 25 minutes and by chartered helicopter, 40 minutes, from Bangkok to Hua Hin Airport.
Best season: November to February.
Treatments offered: Over 150 with 85 qualified therapists and six natural health practitioners.
For more information: Tel +66(0) 32536536.
Fax +66(0) 32511154.

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