“We don’t need no education….” – Pink Floyd

“It actually means that we do need it,” LSD enlightens us. “Two negatives make a positive, but everyone does not possess the genius to figure out the subtlety. I do.” Ever-so-humble, she is. “The privileged and gifted, like me, should educate the underprivileged and gift-less, about the ways of the universe, to make this world a better place for you and for me and the entire human race.” Amen.

Now go study these valuable power lessons.

The high-low hierarchy
Just like school, in the Indian fashion fraternity, there are juniors and seniors. The newbies and the established elite (read Gods) have marked territorial peripheries (basically the seniors have all the territory, and the juniors only have ‘fresh talent’, which equals le zilch). From underneath the couture canopies of their kingdoms, the queens reign supreme, delectably draped in embellished yardage. For their pastime pleasures, they rotate (and fiercely guard) finale shows among themselves, affix prime-time slots with two hour pre-show cocktails, healthily and wealthily compete to construct scintillating set-cum-palaces (“Yes, I saw those 20,000 imported orchids, but I have mosaic-ed, mirrored, marble mahals….”) and create global housing solutions underneath mammoth crinolines and giant gypsy skirts.

The lowly juniors watch, mesmerised.

The middle brigade, who are like the undead (neither here nor there), just hang around in hope. A couple of them make the transition every decade. The rest just ‘take breaks’.

The might of the moolah
Take note of the notes (and coins and credit cards). Go shopping; what can you buy? A front page print feature in your respected daily. A ‘sponsored’ 9 p.m. solo show slot. A maxi-sized exhibition booth with a ‘closed door, appointments only’ policy. A review (these are dead stock, opinions are worth nothing these days). Creativity (a salaried slave, aka design school graduate with a specialised degree in duplication). Everything is on sale. Stressful, sure, but why make, when you have purchasing power? Flaunt your ‘green’ status (or any other colour your paper pals come in). “Or you could save trees and use plastic,” says LSD. “Très eco chic.”

The control of the contacts
The ‘crème de la crème’. The ‘who’s who’. Knowledge is power, and if you know your people, then the runway is your oyster (or pav bhaji – customise your own ‘bespoke’ terminology). A revered honcho is your chuddy-buddy. Them tycoons are your holi family. The Khans and Kapoors have changed your diapers. You are a diamond in the rough, as Dad owns De Beers (or something similar). Adoption is noble, so adopt an idol or a new best friend, preferably an organiser. Your phone book contacts are gold-braid rungs. Name dropping, like solitaire selection, is an art. Remember the three Cs – Casual, Confident, on Cue.

The bondage of the buyers
This magic breed forms the commanding circle. Worship these deities at their temples (boutiques and stores), because they are the golden bridge between the creator and the customer. Bow to the buyers. Well, some not exactly ‘buyers’, but a slightly more complex set – consignors. They can order you to surgically ‘enhance’ your clothes (“Make tunics – not dresses – that can be worn with churidars. Add sleeves and embroidery.”). They can promise part payments that need patient awaiting (“The remainder after two years from date of sale.”). They can return the rusted from the rails (“Didn’t sell for six months, so take this back and send new stuff.”). They can set new timing trends (“Advance collections? Production time? We need everything within a week of sampling.”).

LSD has been scientifically studying buyer behaviour. “Not really complicated,” she observes. “Basically, remember two lines from Madonna’s songs. For production/ deliveries, it’s ‘Quicker than a ray of light’ and for cheques to come through, ‘Time goes by, so slowly’. Simple, isn’t it?” Beauty with razor brains!

The pull/push of the parliament
It is all relative/s, especially if someone is direct/extended family in our legislature. This works especially in Capital City, where the law of the land is “Do you know who my dad/uncle/brother is?” One phone call from the ministry, and the organisers will be voting for you. Would we not like to see the haute handloom revolution? How shall we have sartorially superior leaders if their representatives do not show us the trendy traditional textile way? If they lead the country, they need to forefront the fashion forward march too. (Dandi becomes dandy.) Change is in the air already. LSD says, “I told Maya(wati) aunty that paper jewellery is very edgy right now, so she ditched the gaudy gold and got herself a necklace of notes. I thought it was a bit too oversized.”

The place of the press
There are separate tariffs for various types of print features and television airtime (ask your preferred publication/channel to provide you with a rate chart). Like everything else, these can be customised just for you; a truly bespoke experience. For the thrifty, recession rendered, pint-pocketed or penniless ‘principled’, the other way to receive no-cost media attention is to befriend some B-town beauties. (They shall kindly consider your cash-strapped status and accept in kind – free designer apparel.) Critics are crossed out. ‘Serious’ fashion writing? Like, seriously? ‘Honest opinions’? Dude, honestly? But remember to worship the power priestesses who can help elevate your editorial status to coveted cover position. Even here, shower them with the three Cs – Compliments and Complimentary Clothes.

But observe your marked target closely. “Some actually refuse to accept these gifts and would rather go by their judgement of talent!” exclaims an aghast LSD, who thrives on her “presents” filled wardrobe, for “birthdays and all…you know”. “But then, I’m not the media,” she rationalises. “I’m a Lady.”

And if nothing works, create your own blog.

The fervour of the favours
There are some things money cannot buy. This is where barter is the best back-up. If I purchase from your Scintillating Socialites jewellery range, maybe you should pick up a piece or two from my Diva Drape sari line. Recommendations and referrals also have a ‘you scratch my back, I scratch yours’ policy (French manicure is a prerequisite). It is such a fair and lovely system.

There are other such win-win situations. Sleep is Penelope Cruz’s beauty secret. “Mine too,” smiles LSD, who snoozes during shows. Power naps help you assert yourself professionally. Successful slumber depends on your napping partner, so choose wisely. Amorous negotiations and handy hook-ups combine work and pleasure.

The code of the ‘cause’
The artist survives because of patrons. Be someone’s pet project. Create the impression that you are a misunderstood genius with a heart of gold. Find a moneyed ‘muse’. Be her charitable cause, because you have towering principles. “I only design undyed, unwashed, unstitched clothing” can have giant eco interpretations. The valour of such visionaries will surely grab the ‘ooh-ah’-ing attention of the gullible majority.

Ethical treatment to dogs, cats, plants, craftspeople wring out waterfalls of sympathy from the most arid hearts. Let them succumb to your pity-power. Ensure that you make them believe (practice your moist-eyed expression). You can win a few free foreign trips as the exotic ‘third world country talent’ to design fairs and exhibitions. Learn to say “Namaste from India. It is my great honour to breathe your air” with the poise and grace of LSD.

And if nothing else works, create your own blog.

NOTE: LSD’s groundbreaking researches have earned her a nomination at this year’s Nouveau Belle Peace Prize. We wish her all the very best.

Subscribe to Verve Magazine or buy the Verve issue on stands now!