Dear BFF and LSD,
I’m an obscenely rich housewife who wants to be a designer. What should I make – clothes, bags or jewellery?
Stop calling yourself a ‘housewife’; since you’re rich, you’re a ‘homemaker’. The former term is for the lower strata of society. If you’re bored of buying LV, Gucci, etc etc (which all your kitty party ‘homemaker’ friends also flaunt), simply hire a ‘gen next’ designer and let the kid slog while you get your mani /pedi done. And if you can hire one kid, you can also hire three, so why not do clothes, bags and jewellery? Why choose when you can have it all?

Dear LSD,
What is avant-garde? How can I do it?
There’s no definition (there is but none of us know it), so take full advantage. You can do drapes with 555 metres of fabric, or create cardboard house-cum-dresses (recession means multipurpose, also real estate prices — lord!), or dangle 1000 ping pong balls with string. Since power dressing still rules, place stacks of weird things on the shoulders, and voila! Le magique!

Dear LSD and BFF,
I am sick of Sabya, Anamika, Manish, Marc and Balenciaga clones. Which are the other ‘it’ Indian and international designers to rip off next season?
Designers are so passé. What you need to do is make KJo (Karan Johar) and SJo (Sanjana Jon) your gurus. Bolly rules, so get your connections first. From movie direction to design debut at the Couture Week finale – now that’s something! Sequinned boxer shorts have redefined couture. Or if you have a defamed sibling, try taking the ‘victimised brown skin girl to mighty Donatella’ route, with a line-up of sympathetic film stars and tear-jerking runway moments. And because the show sells, your clothes will too, like duh!

Dear LSD,
I am a critically trashed designer. Now I want to silence the critics. What ‘cause’ should I pretend to support so that it makes me look good?
Haute with a heart? Aha. This is the age of neo divide and rule. Since the trend is for everyone to have their own fashion week, you have unlimited options, and limitless choice of ‘causes’. The name and tagline are V Imp. Try Colaba Cause-way (you play with ‘Cause’, in case you didn’t get it) Fashion Week, or Jim Corbett National Park Fashion Week, where real big cats strut on the catwalk (PETA sponsorship may happen). Be innovative, create your own ghetto style pet fashion week and name it Haute-Dog Millionaire. Will melt all hearts.

Dear BFF,
Help! A big-shot woman has been taking clothes from me each season and has never paid me a dime. I don't know what to do...
My dear fellow victim of Botoxed Social Womankind, my heart bleeds for you. I’m afraid even God can’t solve this. Watch for signs and don’t fall prey next time. Keep the faith and let me tell you that not all of ‘these women’ are annoying. Some are dead.

Dear BFF and LSD,
Everyone’s done showstoppers, skits, dance performances, bike stunts, cricket and boxing champs, mother-daughter/ brother-sister bonding and more. Please suggest some new entertainment options for my next shows. Kiss, kiss...
Are you possessed by a retarded ghost? We’re still recovering from Jaya Prada dressed like a smoked-up cockatoo! Or Ritu Beri’s ‘sexy child’ showstopper! Or even Nishka Lulla’s baby ballet, where all the kids forgot their steps and still everyone clapped. Or the tremendously uncomfortable, silent Narendra Kumar show where Dilli photographers passed lewd comments. But since you’re so hell bent, why not be inspired by Damien Hirst and put animal carcasses on models? Perishable, bio-degradable eco couture. Just let us know in advance so we skip your show.

Dear LSD,
I am a star kid with my own line, and I get the best front row and star showstoppers for my shows. But people don’t call me a ‘serious’ designer. How can I be a Gaurav Gupta/ Arjun Saluja without the hard work?
Poor you, life’s so unfair! Okay, tell your assistants (since they do all the work) to study their work very closely, for ‘inspiration’ (imagination is a strict no-no). For eg: Arjun Saluja’s Melting Architecture show had a multi-sleeve dress. If you want to be as creative as that, notice (or tell your assistants to notice) that only Magyar sleeves were used. You could do the same design, but with leg-o-mutton sleeves. Instead of Anuj Sharma's Button Masala, create your own ‘Velcro Curry’. The critics will be raving, and you honestly haven’t copied anything. Now you’re a serious designer. Genius!

BFF and LSD, I hate you! You Tweeted nasty stuff about my collection!
And we hate you – you didn’t warn us about your collection, and we sat front row! Now we’re even. So let’s meet for a drink, be friends and live Tweetily ever after.

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