Black Moustache: Because it would be impossible to identify the villain from twenty paces away if he didn’t have facial hair to twirl.

Black Money: Because films would never have been made in the 80s without a hero battling the underworld; because films would never have been made in the 90s without the underworld. And who are we to claim that all black money stems from the underworld?

Black Face: Because there has to be a convenient way to tell the evil twin from the good; and because political correctness is for other people.

Black Eyes: Because ‘jheel si neeli aankhein’ were cool in Bollywood for all of five minutes in 1964.

Black Clouds: Because no self-respecting heroine would forget her modesty unless she was caught in a thunderstorm; because everyone sings in the rain.

The Man In Black: Because khaki is all very well, but to really lay down the law you have to have a man in a black gown shaking his fist at the scales of blind justice.

White Horse: Because we got one thing right about the real world: bridegrooms matter much more to women than knights in shining armour.

White Shoes: Because they were our answer to disco.

White Cheeks: Because every heroine, even the fabulously dusky Kajol, develops a chronic case of ‘gore gore gaal’ at moments of Bollywood wooing.

The Woman In White: Because nothing brings tragedy home like the mother in her maut-eaten sari; because you don’t expect the flower of Indian womanhood to be caught under a waterfall in a tee shirt, do you?

White Dupatta: Because there’s no other way to tell that the heroine is an innocent rose.

White Suit: Because the pantheon of villains would be incomplete without Loin calling for ‘Mona darling’, a drink and a tank of liquid oxygen for the hero.

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