Suddenly and sadly, your world that was relatively peaceful and easy-going, may have been thrown into turbulence. The effects of the terror attacks do take their toll but here are some pointers to prevent you from mentally breaking down. This small piece will attempt to help you. Keep it by your side and read it as often as you need. Read it aloud to yourself, to your family and to anyone who needs to be reminded of the truth, that the human spirit, like the phoenix, can be reborn to withstand any storm.

For a person who has lost a loved one:
Grief is one of the healthiest emotions that humans experience when they lose love or for that matter anything of significance. But unfortunately this emotion isn’t whole-heartedly felt due to certain misgivings about its expression.
One of the first things I told the gentleman when he sought help a few days after that tragic Wednesday was that he must give himself permission to grieve. And grief is not depression. It is sadness, which is appropriate. In sadness people appraise their loss and comprehend the disadvantages that accrue because of it. The absence of a person who gave joy and brought pleasure to your life but is now deceased can result in a feeling of barrenness. You will miss them, be sentimental about the good times and reminisce about the bonds you shared. This is healthy and beneficial. The next question that came up was, ‘How long can I grieve? Is there a time limit or a way to say that grief for this period is healthy and any longer than that, unhealthy?’ Thankfully, no time limit exists for grief. One can grieve for the rest of one’s life, be sentimental and wish for the presence of a beloved. There is nothing detrimental about that because as long as grief does not become depression, it retains the healthiest part of being human and emoting.
He then asked, ‘How soon would I be able to move on?’ What does that mean though? Moving on does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean shutting out from memory what has happened. It is not burying the past and carrying on with life, because it is humanly impossible to forget significant people in one’s life.

A person who faced the attack and was hurt:
She climbed safely out the next morning after being trapped in the Ballroom of the Taj for close to 12 hours but not before she had fractured her leg in a scramble to get to safety. A few bruises and burn scars also reminded her of her lucky escape. She sat huddled in her room not sure whether to cry because she was alive or moan due to the pain that kept shooting through her legs. I tried to help by teaching her to stop ‘catastrophising’ and ‘awfulising’. Accepting the negatives in life for what they are, but not blowing them out of proportion would enable her to deal better with what had happened.
By teaching her to keep her thoughts in the present she could count her blessings. The very fact that she was talking to me meant that she had withstood the unfortunate. She had an advantage though, she had already coped. If she focused her thoughts on that rather than calamities that might take place, she would be less anxious. Also, reminding herself of what had happened and worrying about it, would not undo or prevent recurrences or help her feel empowered.
She could choose to make a bad situation worse if she viewed it in detrimental ways. Accepting responsibility for her feelings (which are in her control) could help her light up her life. It is the meaning that she gives to this tragedy that will ascertain her reaction and in turn determine whether she can draw any advantages from it. Advantages because good can come out of a bad situation.

A person who was in the attacks but escaped:
She grabbed, of all things, her laptop when she fled the next morning as firemen climbed through the window to help her escape. She wasn’t hurt. In fact the first thing she said when she climbed to safety was, ‘I love life too much’. I was called in to see her because she felt that she hadn’t ‘been strong enough!’ What did she mean by this? That she should not have been afraid, that she shouldn’t have told her parents that she wanted to sleep with them for a few days after the terror attacks. To her, she wasn’t being an adult.
I helped her accept herself with her fears. It’s a time when she would want to be tough and pull out all her reserves to face this disaster. ‘I must be strong’ she’ll repeat endlessly to herself but on various occasions find herself afraid. And then what will she do? Put herself down? Kick herself after she’s fallen…. That will just make things worse. Accepting herself even when she felt frightened meant giving herself the permission to be human. Trying to be superhuman wouldn’t help.
Being gentle rather than tough, giving herself the right to feel afraid and discarding words like ‘strong’ or ‘weak’ from her dictionary would do her a world of good. Because it isn’t about being strong or weak, it is about having moments of weakness or strength. “Have you ever met a person who hasn’t had such moments?” I asked.

A person who saw and read but is still scared:
With all of us having watched live coverage of the terror attacks for three days, many have been reeling with nightmares and have become edgy and sensitive to the slightest of sounds. How do we cope when we find ourselves getting overworked and anxious?

1. Accepting that life is uncertain is a great way to feel secure. Ironical as it sounds, the harder we try to attain certainty in a very uncertain world, the more insecure we become.
2. Accepting that one is mortal and that we too could have been victims takes away the false notion that ‘we will not fall prey to this’. A bit of grandiosity or unrealism does nothing to prepare us for eventualities.
3. Realising that life is unpredictable and that anything can happen at any time to anyone, can be a wake-up call.
4. A tragedy of this enormity can give us perspective. Disasters of this nature remind us that we have nothing really to complain about.

Call For Counsel

When she was inundated with calls from anxious parents and people after the attacks, consultant psychologist and family therapist, Maya Kirpalani decided to start a cell that would be kept open to counsel citizens three days a week –
Monday, Thursday and Saturday, at the Jaslok Hospital and Research Centre. And interestingly enough, Kirpalani found that besides parents anxious about their kids, it was the police personnel and their families who needed her help. “More than other people, it is police officers who needed reassurance and counseling. Their wives would come to me saying they were scared when their husbands went on duty or children who were scared when their fathers went off to work,” she says.
Kirpalani used ‘Reality Therapy’ and ‘Cognitive Therapy’ to get people back on track. “Reality Therapy helps people derive meaning from the suffering and helps them exercise a personal choice to now live life with courage and dignity. Cognitive Therapy involves changing one’s thoughts. “Most people cannot imagine feeling safe again in this city and we have to realise and learn to deal with unexpected events. Here we use the ‘Thought Stopping Method’, that is, making a conscious effort to avoid negative thoughts whenever they occur. In addition, ‘Thank You Therapy’, which involves reminding ourselves that we need to be grateful for what we have and count our blessings instead of feeling bitter or resentful and thus try to find a higher purpose in our lives, is also used. For children, ‘Play Therapy’ and ‘Art Therapy’ works very well,” she says. Kirpalani hasn’t put a time limit on this cell, preferring to keep it open for as long as people need it. The help line number is 66573300.
- Faye Remedios

Express yourself: leave a comment on the article telling us what you think.
Write to us at edit@verveonline.com

Join us at our Facebook group

Subscribe to Verve Magazine or buy the Verve issue on stands now!