Independence can mean different things at different times. I have a young friend who recently left Mumbai to live and study in a different city because he wanted to experience what it felt like to live on his own, fend for himself, stay with people from all over India in a hostel and so on. The boy was taking a step towards independence.
On the other side of the spectrum is a friend who left a marriage after being in it for 27 years, because the marriage was dead and she was tired of leading a life without integrity. That too is independence. And so is the act of a friend who decided to marry someone who was lesser educated than she was and did not even have a job, simply because he made her happy, although her parents and friends were against it.

Realise your true essence
It’s really not easy to define this thing called independence, but you could say that it is all about realising the essence of who you are so you can be fully yourself at every moment in time. Like all absolutes, this too is difficult and is often a lifetime’s journey, but every step we take towards it is rewarding.
Once, I read a book about a man whose father was a tough, masculine person, who favoured outdoor games, camping and so on. His older brother fit the bill, but our friend loved reading, writing and helping his mother at home. Cruelly derided as a sissy, he became so desperate for his father’s love, that he decided to become what his father wanted him to be. He reinvented himself and became a bluff, hearty person, a high-profile pastor who rallied people to the faith. It was only when his life fell apart, when his wife left him and he became an alcoholic that he picked up the threads of his life and began to discover who he really was. To his astonishment, he found he was actually an introvert, a shy man who had gone against the grain all his life to be what he was not. The book deals with how he learnt to slowly regain his true self.

Shedding the expectations people have of us, the socialising we pick up from our parents, withstanding peer pressure, learning to stand for our choices and views even when they go against the flow, are all part of developing our independence. It’s often a painful journey. There is comfort and safety in following the crowd. And yet, if we do not move towards independence, our life will gradually lose its flavour. Our enthusiasm, our sense of inspiration, our joy of life dulls and deadens. We cannot live a fake life for too long without something within us giving way.

So struggle if you must, but do press towards independence. You might have to sacrifice comfort, but you’ll gain immeasurable happiness, fulfilment, success and so many other things. Let’s face it, the best gift we can ever give the world is who we are, to become our original selves.

Be confident and outspoken
How do we learn to be independent? I think it is a natural outcome of our self-esteem and confidence. The more we learn to deal with the world and find that we can hold our own at work and with family and friends, the more comfortable we feel under our skin and the more we relax and be ourselves.

An independent person is not afraid to state her view even if it is unpopular. She is not afraid to go her way even if no one else accompanies her. I commute to work by train and I often find ladies refusing to allow street kids into the first class compartment or the occasional second class traveller who wanders in. At such times, I point out that as they are not ticket checkers, they do not have the right to decide who comes in and who does not.

I have a friend who eats with his hand even in a restaurant or a social gathering. So comfortable is he with himself that the act seems natural and in a way, enviable, for it comes from his ability to ignore social conventions.

Know who you are
Another component of becoming independent is learning to know who we really are. What are our dreams and aspirations? What are our values? What are the things we cherish and want to support in life? Getting to know and understand our impulses and motivations, our leanings and longings is a long task but a rewarding one. Take some time off every day to go within. Chant a word or phrase you find meaningful; it could either be the name of your favourite deity, or it could be something like peace, joy, love and so on. Try and do this in one particular spot at a specific time, because these will then act as triggers to your mind to go within. As your mind becomes more peaceful, you will become more aware of your thoughts, feelings and your inner self. Such a task immeasurably adds to your understanding of yourself.

Overcome your compulsions
There really is no end to the independence strife. Because it inevitably includes being free of our own compulsions, impulses, inner pulls and pressures. How do you overcome your love for food or alcohol? How do you get your tempestuous anger under control? How do you transcend your worry, fear and anxiety? Our emotions and conditionings enslave and control us. If we want to be truly independent, we need to uproot these negative holds and tendencies.

Meditation is a tried and tested route to transform the personality. But there are thousands of paths available that we can use on our journey. So hit the road. You have nothing to lose but your own dependence!