It was only a matter of time. When they were choking the airwaves with remixes of every conceivable number recorded before 1970 and the cherubs were singing Kaliyon ka chaman and Mere piya gaye Rangoon in their cribs, one knew, before long, that one of these Bollywood buccaneers would have the gall to dust up an old classic and declare that it needed to be remade.

It's just that one didn't imagine the man who'd lead the pack would be the King of Krass, Vashu Bhagnani! And the film he'd pick would be the 1946 classic, Anmol Ghadi!

But, truth they say is stranger than fiction. So, we had the Noorjehan-Suraiya-Surendra love saga, a musical that boasted Naushad's genius, turned into Jeena Sirf Mere Liye, in a contemporary setting with Kareena Kapoor and Tusshar Kapoor warbling about their bachpan ka pyar - and it seemed kind of incongruous because back in the '40s, kids led peaceable lives. They didn't have access to TV 24x7, with 200 channels - they didn't even have to ration time between their play stations and karate classes. So, they could hold hands with chubby little playmates and sing Bachpan ke din bhula na dena…and keep on singing till they were 40.

Today's kids have the attention span of a moth. They have to be re-introduced to their own siblings on a weekly basis. And as for the anmol ghadi, they run through at least six different, disposable, digital watches a month - most of them came free with their Bournvita....

Where was the need to drag the poor classic kicking and screaming into so much ignominy? And that is the biggest gripe one has against these film-makers. This desire to drag classics and cult films from their exalted hall of fame and turn them into contemporary pantomime.

To add insult to injury, they slap it all on like they're doing the world a huge favour that's almost up there with restoring a Rembrandt.

Says Priyanka Chopra, who's slated to play Meena Kumari's 'Choti Bahu', in the remake of the Guru Dutt classic, Sahib Bibi Aur Ghulam, "My generation may not watch old classics and miss out on them completely, so where is the harm in retelling classics in a contemporary format?"

Really? How does one fashion Guru Dutt's searing b/w classic about the pain and isolation of a woman in feudal Bengal, into a contemporary film?

Let's hazard a guess at the screenplay.
Scene 1:
Choti Bahu (complaining to husband): I don't see you any more. You're spending more time with your Kazak masseur than you ever do with me...
Husband: Uff ho! Get a life woman! Why don't you get a makeover like tele queen Parvati…. Put hair extensions, remove hair extensions…or why don't you get hooked on to Star Dopahar like your sister-in-law?
CB (Angry): You are comparing me to her! She has a set top box and a DTH. What do I have?
The enraged hubby stomps off to waiting Lamborghini.
Husband to chauffeur: Driver, just take me somewhere (in a nod to the inclusive nature of our times, the two exchange meaningful glances...).
Or, take that other classic scene - Choti Bahu sends for Bhootnath...
CB (nursing her tequila): Boo, I have heard that lately you have been working at Adhuna Akhtar's b:blunt salon?
Bhootnath (apologetically): Yes, choti mummyji, since bhai has gone behind bars, my work has gone for a toss.
CB (adjusting her corset, gently to Bhootnath): It's all right. Ok tell me Boo, Does life change after you get a makeover from Adhuna Akhtar?
Bhootnath: Yes, choti mums. You know our Aamir bhai? You should see the way she has styled him. His life has changed completely. Today he has everything - a brand new Innova car, a sprawling bungalow at Panchgani and a new wife too. Should I dial Adhuna's number?
CB: Yes, Boo, yes (whipping out her expensive Blackberry). Please fix an appointment for me on Friday....
Dissolve....

Sounds outrageous? But then, how far removed from the original is Ram Gopal Varma's Sholay? The film has migrated out of the ravines of Ramgadh into the urban jungle. Jai is now Gabbar in blue contact lenses. That iconic whip-lashing belt is a cobra-headed stick. Basanti is a stubby, foul-mouthed woman called Ghungroo and Dhanno, the ghodi, is an autorickshaw…. No wonder Sasha Sippy is going ballistic.

In contrast, both Parineeta and Devdas, the two films that set off the current stampede, were largely successful because the directors who made them were passionate admirers of the originals. And they did not disturb the essential spirit of the films. Although it is interesting to see how different the same story can be in the hands of two makers. Bhansali's Devdas suffered from the usual flaw of our times - Excess. He went for that extravagant lateral sweep. So, while the film had sumptuous visual feasts, it completely lacked the depth of field of Bimal Roy's interpretation. Bimal Roy's Devdas sank like a stone in the depths of his despair…Bhansali's version of him went pop and fizz on the surface like a champagne bubble.

Where Parineeta succeeded was that though it was nowhere as intimate as the Bimal Roy classic, it did have a unique organic resonance all of its own. Aided in some part by Shantanu Moitra's melodious score.

The reason classics acquired their reputations was because they were ensemble pieces…where the story, screenplay, dialogue, music, camera-work and the first-rate acting all fused together seamlessly. When today's film-makers try to use them as a template they're treading on dangerous ground. Initially, the remakes do ride on the wave of nostalgia - but then, it's a double-edged sword - you don't mess with the memories. And time has a way of bestowing halos on the oddest things.

Sometimes, films acquire reputations they never had to begin with. Umrao Jaan is a case in point. When the film was first announced with Rekha, a Tamilian actress cast as the Avadhi courtesan, Umrao Jaan - it came as a bombshell - and then, not really adept at Kathak, she ended up doing her mujras more like break dance…. One is amazed that poor JP Dutta got panned for lack of authenticity, when the original had several true-blue goof-ups of its own…. Bits of it were even shot in the Lucknow zoo! And Rekha was not too pleased with her performance either…she let on that she was made to dub for the entire film in a single night and that Muzaffar Ali sat by her side with a bunch of mogras - making her sniff on them every time her spirits flagged. It was only lyricist, Shahriyar's soul-stirring ghazals (he'd taught Umrao Jaan's poetry at the Aligarh Muslim University for 20 years) and Khayyam's impeccable music that lifted the film from its mediocrity.

However, there are all-time blockbusters like Don, Amar Akbar Anthony and Victoria No 203 that could work in the hands of intelligent directors…. Farhan Akhtar has proved that with his Don…it's a film his dad co-wrote, and he's been tinkering with it in his backyard for years…. Who knows, David Dhawan too could pull off a remake of Amar Akbar…he has that same streak of madness that characterised Manmohan Desai's films...

And if these movies succeed - there's an indiscriminate flood of various other remakes threatening to break down the sluice gates.

In the wings are: Rituparno Ghosh's Raahgeer, a remake of Vijay Anand's Guide; Feroz Khan's redoing his Qurbani as Kurbani; Raj Sippy is remaking Chupke Chupke and his Satte Pe Satta which was a remake of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Sudhir Mishra is making an English version of Is Raat Ki Subah Nahin...

Really, there's a long night ahead of us. In the end, it all boils down to a complete bankruptcy of ideas....

They've been stealing brazenly from Hollywood for years, and now they're threatening to remake, even 're-interpret' classics like Chaudhvin Ka Chand and Kagaz Ke Phool.

Why thrash about in search of a story, when you can hock off the family heirlooms for quick profits?