Alas, these quick-fix pound-purges are about as enduring as summer hemlines. Because, no matter how cutting edge the sales pitch, they naively assume that one size fits all.

No matter what the multi-billion dollar diet industry would have us believe, more often than not, weight gain isn’t about wrestling to balance the bathroom scales, but a symptom of an underlying hormonal imbalance, that urgently needs correction, advises Farah Baria

Fishtarians’ like me are always a bit, well, fishy. Floundering uncertainly in the murky waters between flesh eating and abstinence, we are regarded with suspicion and scorned by carnivores and herbivores alike. So invitations to dinner are often a bit awkward. "Are you vegetarian or non-vegetarian?" inquires the unsuspecting hostess.

"Er, vegetarian. But I do eat seafood."

"Oh." (I assume that stands for ‘can the chicken curry, order those pricey prawns, add a vegetable lasagna’. No wonder it’s not exactly an enthusiastic response.)

In fact, I always thought I was an inconvenient invitee, until I recently discovered otherwise. Take last night, for instance. We had six guests, all non-vegetarian. But Mr A, who is on the Atkins Diet ate only protein. Miss B, who is actually a Type A on the Adamo Diet, ate only carbs, the food of her nomadic, blood group ancestors. Mrs C, who is on the Zone Diet, graciously consumed both proteins and carbs, but asked for the kitchen scales to measure each in the prescribed ratio (60:40). Mrs E, on day five of her rather passé General Motors Diet, passed up dinner altogether for a glass of milk. And Mr F, who is on the very eclectic Glycemic Load Diet, asked if he could have chapattis instead of pulao, because wheat has a lower, uh, glycemic index.

Don’t ask me what that means, but by the time dessert was duly served, (and duly declined), I gathered that, compared to the average guest, I was now, officially, a piece of cake.

Verve columnist, Farah Baria, has been a full-time journalist for the last 11 years. Earlier, principal correspondent with India Today, the mother of two writes a regular parenting column for Sunday Mid Day.