Plots, pshaw! That's all passé and old hat now, meant for tired, saggy shows like The Bold And The Beautiful and Michael Jackson. You're riveted because of the colour of the lips of the average telly bahu.

The 'Battle of the Telly Bilge' and how it was won…. Ratna Rajaiah presents her own take on what audiences are lapping up

Not because of the glued-to-the-edge -of-your-seat storyline or the breathtakingly fascinating plot of the serial that's on. Plots, pshaw! That's all passé and old hat now, meant for tired, saggy old shows like The Bold And The Beautiful and Michael Jackson. You're riveted because of the colour of the lips of the average telly bahu. But before I tell you more about that, first let's reacquaint ourselves with Mrs Telly Bahu. Your average sati savitri really, pure-as-Ganga-jal. About to remarry her second husband for the fourth time, just to get back at her son's father. Who, though he loved her madly (and she him), nevertheless left her with their paap, er, I mean pyar ki nishani to marry his mummy's pasand but that didn't quite work out and now happens to be only onto his third wife. Just to set the record straight, he did marry telly bahuji (Tulsi, Pallavi, Prerna ya Kkusum - who cares, yaar?!) in between other wives but that didn't work out either. Needless to say, the little paap-er-I-mean pyar-ki-nishani who would have been an illegitimate 'love child', was saved from this fate-worse-than-death because telly bahuji's second husband - the same that she's now marrying for the fourth time - graciously offered to be the duniya-ke-nazron-mein baap. Which means that though he both loves and lusts her madly, has never touched telly bahuji in any aise-waise way since that privilege is reserved for…. Well, I can't give away everything, can I?

And this roughly is the general plot of any serial on any of the 123-plus channels that Indian telly boasts of today. Lovely really, but especially if you are a chronic channel surfer. Because you can hop from any channel to any other and get back into the story (wazzat?) without missing a beat. Wahan jo bahu thi, yahan woh saas hai. Only problem is that sustaining this kind of thing can be trying, even for the most seasoned telly-bilge story/screenplay writer, having to churn this out day after day, five times a week, 52 weeks in a year. They say that the roads in Telly-bilge Land (otherwise known as Mumbai) is paved with no, not gold but the bodies of exhausted telly-bilge scriptwriters reduced to gibbering, twitching, glassy-eyed wrecks in their quest for that holy grail of telly-bilge - kahini mein twist. So what does the poor producer of these garma-garma kahani ghar ghar kis do to keep the thanda, saggy, flabby plots of your 425 serials continuously on the sizzle?

Very simple. Just bring on the Dizzy-Lizzy lipstick. Which no telly bahu (or saas, bhabhi, chachi, kaaki, maami or mummyji, for that matter) would be seen dead without. In 67 gorgeous shades from Vomit Violet to Rotting Raspberry, glossy for day wear, frosted for karva chauths and your fourth engagement party. And so named because they make your lips bear an uncanny resemblance to a lizard's underbelly. The effect of just a 10-second close-up of telly babuji's lips thus adorned is so dizzyingly shocking that everything else fades into inconsequence and you sit riveted, waiting for the next thrilling sight of da Dizzy-Lizzy lips. Naturally, you can have too much even of a good thing, so there are other gasp-making things to break the monotony. The sets, which look as though they have been designed by Govinda's dress designer after he became colour blind, touching heights of vulgar-chic where no 'vulgarian' has ever dared to climb. Not forgetting the 'Wicked Bitches of the Belan' and the reason why these serials are now considered as the latest things in women's empowerment. Because they break the male chauvinistic tradition of Hindi phillums where villains are always men. Let me warn you that these telly-doyens are not for weak stomachs - their low, kitchen sink cunning surpassed only by their jewellery that would normally be the gates of a Hindi film producer's bungalow and make-up that would make Frankenstein run screaming for his mummy.

Then there's MTV land, still ruled by the Cyrus Broachas and Nikhil Chinnappas and 'Pretty Little Things'. Which reminds me. The few times I gingerly dared to venture in Dude Land, I always stumbled onto a show which seemed to be about some pretty little thing showing off her er, pretty little things. Hosted by that gorgeous, caramel-eyed Malaika Arora, a certified pretty lil' thing herself. The last episode I watched had Mallika 'The Bod' Sherawat. Whose pretty little things were …how shall I put it?…littler than most, a few resembling a cross between a sweat band and a designer band aid and the mind boggled at how cool stretch Lycra had got ever since I swapped it for designer khadi. But rightly so because Sherawat has now been declared India's youth icon by CNN, for having apparently got sex out of the closet. Right. Though if they'd checked with Mrs Telly Bahu, she'd have given a few nifty tips on how to knead sex into the chapatti dough for tonight's dinner. Sherawat, naturally chuffed at this honour - beats an Oscar by points, doesn't it- declared triumphantly, "I am like Viagra!"

Which leaves us with the news channels, all now resting on their exhausted laurels after riding that frenzied monster, the elections. I guess many would say NDTV continues to rule the visibility roost with Prannoy Roy as Mr Suave of The 9 O'Clock News and polls, opinion, exit and all other kinds, Barkha Dutt cementing her position as India's Christina Amanpour and Rajdeep Sardesai as the pugilistic resident political pundit. But Aaj Tak, which is India Today's Hindi news channel, has pipped NDTV to the post in the all-important race for the TRPs.

Any glimmer of hope, any beacon of cheer in this desert land of Dizzy-Lizzy lipped awfulness? Infinitesimally tiny, but fortunately, yes. Both on Zee TV and both sans saas and bahu. Sa Re Ga Ma Pa. In its latest avatar with classy sets, slick production values, a relaxed, elegant host in Shaan and judges that span the glittering galaxy of stars of Indian music including unusual ones like Begum Abida Parveen. Then, Jeena Isi ka Naam Hai. Not an original idea and er, 'inspired' by the Emmy Award winning show, This Is Your Life. (But then neither was Kaun Banega Crorepati.) Farooque Shaikh makes a gracious, genial host, drawing his celebrity guests into some truly engaging moments of genuine warmth and laughter.

But I'm not complaining. Oh no siree. That's like complaining that water is wet and that Laloo is Laloo. Besides, we only get what we want. Kyunki... Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi continues to rule the chota screen and is still serial number one, even after 785 weeks on air and much khandaani water under the bridge including the bahu of all tellybahus, Tulsi, who is now not just a matronly looking saas herself - but only on screen; her off screen political aspirations to be a Lok Sabha MP scotched, at least temporarily. Of the top 100 programmes on the telly, Star Plus accounts for a whopping 68 per cent. And of the top 100 shows on Star Plus, all 25 are telly bilge. Who's in the balance 75 - do you really want to know? Nah. Neither do I.

[Regular Verve contributor, Ratna Rajaiah keeps a track of small screen operas, programmes and happenings. The one-time advertising professional and maker of television shows is now a freelance writer and columnist.]