 Plots, pshaw! That's all passé and old hat now, meant for tired, saggy shows like The Bold And The Beautiful and Michael Jackson. You're riveted because of the colour of the lips of the average telly bahu. 
The 'Battle of the Telly Bilge' and how it was won…. Ratna Rajaiah presents her own take on what audiences are lapping up
 Writing about what's cool on Indian television, is like ruminating on the five things that I find cute about US secretary of defence, Donald Rumsfeld. But, wait a minute, I thought to myself. What about the 'Dizzie-Lizzie Lips'? Not only cool and happening, not only the current rage from Begusarai to Bommanahalli but that which has caused the 'Battle of the Telly-Bilge' to be won. Nahin samjhe? Okay, just do this exercise. Switch to Star/ Sony/Zee (and any other also-ran channel) on any weekday during what is called prime time. And in about twenty seconds flat, you'll find that you are hopelessly hooked, helplessly watching with your jaw hanging somewhere near your potbelly button.
Not because of the glued-to-the-edge -of-your-seat storyline or the breathtakingly fascinating plot of the serial that's on. That's all passé and old hat now, meant for tired, saggy old shows like The Bold And The Beautiful and Michael Jackson. You're riveted because of the colour of the lips of the average telly bahu. First let's reacquaint ourselves with Mrs Telly Bahu. Your average sati savitri really, pure-as-Ganga-jal. About to remarry her second husband for the fourth time, just to get back at her son's father.
Then there's MTV land, still ruled by the Cyrus Broachas and Nikhil Chinnappas and 'Pretty Little Things'. I always stumbled onto a show which seemed to be about some pretty little thing showing off her er, pretty little things. Hosted by that gorgeous, caramel-eyed Malaika Arora. The last episode I watched had Mallika 'The Bod' Sherawat. Sherawat has now been declared India's youth icon by CNN, for having apparently got sex out of the closet.
Any glimmer of hope, any beacon of cheer in this desert land of Dizzy-Lizzy lipped awfulness? Fortunately, yes. Both on Zee TV and both sans saas and bahu. Sa Re Ga Ma Pa. In its latest avatar with classy sets, slick production values, a relaxed, elegant host in Shaan and judges that span the glittering galaxy of stars of Indian music.
But I'm not complaining. Oh no siree. That's like complaining that water is wet and that Laloo is Laloo. Besides, we only get what we want.
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