As a wife and mother, you are adroit at stooping to conquer, surrendering to win. All of this is excellent spiritual practice for transcending the ego. Moving from here to self-realisation is certainly no picnic but, thank God, for our head start

Are you at that stage of life where you no longer crave for social approval or gauge success by social norms? Have you reached that comfort zone where you can take time off to get to know yourself? There is a sure-fire technique to self-knowledge, assures Suma Varughese.

When you are 35 or thereabouts, there are some things you know for sure. You’re never going to be Miss India or the next Aishwarya Rai. Also, and importantly, life is far more complex than you imagined. And you don’t have all the answers.

Youth goes, beauty goes but so, thank God, does complacency, arrogance and a certain amount of self-centredness. The thing about the mid-30s is that you can’t get there without some experience. You probably got married, went through childbirth, stayed awake three nights in a row with a sick baby, cooked for 50 people, did some great work, juggled with a job, coped with office politics, had an illness, a heartbreak and saw a new country or countries.

In short, you’ve lived your life. And there’s a lot to show for it. You know yourself a little more, for one thing. You’ve been through the mill and have discovered that you can cope. And there are things you actually like and respect about yourself – your integrity perhaps and the fact that you always stand up for the underdog. There are lots of things you don’t like about yourself either but they no longer throw you for a sixer. You can stay with it and doggedly try to change, instead of stamping ‘Rejected’ on yourself.

You understand life a little better, too. How in the midst of despair, you suddenly hit a calm that cradles you tenderly and lets you live through the day. How, no matter how hard you work for something, sometimes you just don’t get it. And then, suddenly, just when you had given up, it lands in your lap. You discern that there are mysterious currents and tides to life that you can do little to control but that work out wonderfully well once you co-operate instead. And you discover that what you need comes into your life unbidden and even disasters can sometimes be for the best.

Your priorities also shift and change. You no longer crave for social approval, or gauge success by social norms. Because you are more comfortable with yourself, you become ‘inner’ rather than ‘outer’ directed. This means that you develop your own code of conduct and morals based on your conscience. Peace of mind, quiet time spent with family or yourself, understanding the rhythms of nature, become more meaningful than earning crores or having your name in the papers.

The thing is that after the frenetic 20s and 30s, consumed with marriage, babies and housework, or job and career, or both, the pre-40s is the time to breathe a little freer. The shape of your life is more stable, the kids are old enough to take care of themselves and it is possible for you to sit back and try to make sense of all that has happened so far.

And the more you understand life, the more you realise how much more there is to it than you dreamt of. Questions – basic, immense – suddenly stir within and you wonder who you are, what you are doing on Planet Earth, if perfect happiness is possible and other things that you could never have imagined would interest you. You hunger to know more, to explore this continent that has suddenly declared itself. The rest of your life seems to have been preparation for what now lies ahead of you. And you realise that this is the best time of your life!

Advantage Woman

Workshops and meditation centres are swamped by the pre-40 woman looking for herself. Why woman? Why not man? There are plenty of male seekers too but women have a great advantage in the spiritual arena. Their natural inclinations as well as upbringing trains them to put the needs of others ahead of their own, to nurture and take care of everything, to favour conciliation over confrontation and co-operation over competition. As a wife and a mother, you are adroit at stooping to conquer, surrendering to win. All of this is excellent spiritual practice for transcending the ego. Moving from here to self-realisation is certainly no picnic but, thank God, for our head start.

Know Thyself

Here is a sure-fire technique to self-knowledge. Study your thoughts, motives, actions, reactions, fantasies and responses attentively. This is hard to do for you will have to let go of all your cherished illusions but it is inescapable, if you wish to truly see life and yourself.

Learn to accept the truth. Yes, you are short-tempered, manipulate others to do what you want done, cheat on your income tax – whatever be your secret vice. Rest easy. None of us are free of this. And it’s okay to be imperfect. The very act of truly accepting yourself can free you of the resistance and anger that kept these habits intact.

The Real You

Who on earth are you? To discover this, you must detach yourself from all known aspects of yourself. Amazing though it may seem, you are not your body, nor your personality, nor your mind, nor your thoughts, nor your feelings. The real you is hidden under all these layers and will be uncovered only when you annihilate them. Make it a practice to tell yourself that your feelings are not relevant, nor your thoughts, nor the sensations and demands of the body, nor the impulses and reactions of the ego. What is relevant is going beyond them. Over time, you really do reach a domain of calm and peace undisturbed by reactions and thoughts, desires, regrets. Nirvana? You better believe it.